Global Domination

Audio Autopsy - July 2010

01/07/10  ||  Global Domination

Misery Index: Heirs to thievery

7.5/10

Lord K: Ok, here we go. Misery Index obviously do not wanna take any prisoners with their grind-tinged deathrash metal. I hear bits of Vader, Defleshed and whatnot here. Works for me. Prepare for insane double bass (awfully loudly mixed too) and tons of brutality while you get it on with this album. 7

Kampfar: Misery Index kicks ass, Dying Fetus even more so. 7

The Duff: American grind has never hit it big for me, Misery Index is just one of many where I’ve figured Europe do it better. The time between this and “Traitors” was brief, and compliments are in order for the avoidance of dip in quality, but Misery Index will never be an amazing outfit in my mind, so this gets standard “thumbs up” fare but nothing I’ll return to pout-face. 7

Trauma: Some great shit right here. Not sure if this one’ll surpass “Traitors”, but it’s definitely a powerful beast of an album. “The carrion call” and the title track were awesome live. 9

CadenZ: Another one? Didn’t MI release an album just now? Hmm, apparently it’s been nearly two years since “Traitors”. Well, I guess that means I haven’t been missing them much. Weird, since their aggro death is quite the refreshing experience. 7

JD Provorse (guest): As much as it pains me to do so, what with them being a bunch of degenerate communists, I think I have to add Misery Index to the very short list of American bands still worth a shit. Fucking sick as ever. 8

Aeon: Path of fire

7.3/10

Lord K: You have a full review by me here in case you are interested. Let’s keep it short; Aeon’s on top of the line when it comes to Americanized death metal created by Swedes. They actually do this better than the Americans themselves when I think about it. Since we don’t do 0,5 scores in AA I’ll simply have to lower the final verdict a tad for this edition (compared to the review), coz no matter how good this is – it’s not a 9. Few things are a 9 in my world, fucko. 8

Kampfar: Balls of steel aren’t needed if you choose to piss on Christ and his Christianity, no balls at all will do, and we all know what I just wrote to be nothing but the truth. Kill the pope and all his followers. And therefore, worms and maggots, I wonder when anyone doing extreme metal will dare to blaspheme Islam. Fuck Allah and his demented messenger into juvenile goats and preteen girls. Aeon is not the answer, but their death metal is of the quality kind nonetheless. 7

The Duff: I haven’t heard the band’s debut EP, but if popular belief were merged with my opinion, Aeon have steadily digressed with each successive album, although “Rise to Dominate” is my personal favourite if not one of my most cherished tech death efforts. There’s no doubt these guys are a formidable outfit, and this new one is just as catchy as its immediate predecessor and more evil to boot. The band’s influences are definitely shining through most of all on “Path of Fire”, the drumming is absolutely insane to say the least, but where I disagree with long-term fan Abyss (ex-staff member) is that the riffs clash and the songs don’t seem as evidently complete as on past works. Solos as always are breathtaking, the musicianship generally spot-on throughout; an awesome disc that should keep fans satisfied. 7

Trauma: Killer title track, and killer aggression. I don’t know yet how it stacks up against “Rise to dominate” as I’ve not had enough listens, but I reckon it will hold up pretty well. 8

CadenZ: A thick slab of brutal death, this. Cool riffs and great execution make up for the production which is, in my opinion, too clear and unsick for Aeon’s pounding. 7

JD Provorse (guest): More pinch harmonics than a Black Label Society record, and more Jesus-hatin’ lyrics than a Deicide record. Thankfully, much better music than either of those as well. If I listened to much brutal death metal, I would want it to sound like this. 7

Keep Of Kalessin: Reptilian

7.2/10

Lord K: The Norwegian Eurovision participants (or, wait… did they qualify?) return with “Reptilian”. Funny thing is that the (perhaps) Eurovision entry (“The dragon tower”) is the highlight of the album, not meaning that any of the other material is bad – coz it certainly isn’t. KOK’s a talented band without a doubt, and their somewhat black metal influenced music is a treat for anyone into well-composed material with impressive musicianship. They are not very tr00 though. 7

Kampfar: Keep Of Kalessin aren’t very necro, after all they tried to qualify for the awfulness known as Eurovision, but this doesn’t stop me from enjoying “Reptilian” quite fucking hard. Extreme-metal light at its best this. 8

The Duff: There are parts of “Reptilian” that send me over the edge, but the ideas these develop into sometimes fail me which is a real shame – I haven’t heard metal this captivating from many, and yet most of it isn’t even close to traditional black metal as I originally thought the band coined. It’s fresh, real addictive material that is honest, technical and just plain headbang-worthy. Some stale sections do kick in every once in a while, reminding me of run-of-the-mill melodeath/deathcore or whatever the fuck derivative sub-genre you can think of, but Keep of Kalessin may have won themselves a purchase for how eclectic and ingraining their music is. 8

Trauma: I thought this band was gonna be some power metal/folk metal. I was completely wrong and completely surprised. Quality black/whatever done with enviable energy. 7

CadenZ: Thrashened black metal, expertly crafted. Though the difference isn’t all that big, there’s more musicianship than soul on “Reptilian”, and that equation bodes not well in any genre, and especially not in BM. Still a very nice effort, and it might be a grower. 7

JD Provorse (guest): When they are being a thrash band, they make me want to bang my head like a madman. When they are being a black metal band, they are just thoroughly average. Extra nerd points for the band name, though. 6

Hour Of Penance: Paradogma

6.7/10

Lord K: Annoying kicks aside (trigger mania), Hour Of Penis (you didn’t see that coming, huh?) blast out their, ehum… blasting death metal like their assholes were under gunpoint. Impressive, on-the-mark brutality with more riffs in one tune than AC/DC’s got in their complete discography. It’s just a little too non-groovy to catch my complete attention, but it’s still good shit. 6

Kampfar: Hour Of Penance knows their death metal and is without doubt one of Italy’s finest when it comes to creating noise in the name of dying. So it’s a medium sized shame then that the production takes a piss all over their effort. Not a high pressure one, but the booming kickdrums sure taints an otherwise fine effort. 7

The Duff: This band’s last album, “The vile Misconception”, was album of the year for me in 2007, and an effort that will stand the test of time; not really surprising I was going to be disappointed in this, but I think “Paradogma” is the let-down of the year. Take away the catchiness, and the band becomes devoid of purpose – drums and vocals are absolutely fantastic, but the riffs are, for the most part, quite average and overly-compensated for by the aforementioned performances; production is killer, and I’m sure given the right sound system, this disc would crush, but the music doesn’t stand despite this on the whole being a satisfactory death metal release. 6

Trauma: This is one complete blast-fest. Way too hectic for me, but I wold say these guys do it pretty fucken well. 7

CadenZ: Okay, so you Italians want to pound my head clean off? Hmm… Well, let’s hear what you go- Schthumphh. 8

JD Provorse (guest): I thought the only thing brutal in Italy was Rocco Siffredi’s anal sex videos. Guess I was wrong. A little bit of everything on display here; bits of Morbid Angel and Zyklon and Gojira. I’ve been trying to dream up a death metal pizza joke, but I got nothing. 6

Dew-Scented: Invocation

6.2/10

Lord K: The Germans manage to spit out the occasional groovy riff within their thrash metal. Oh, the joy. Their vocalist tends to become annoying though with his very one-dimensional snarl. I even think he works at Century Media so no wonder that Dew-Scented get to put out albums despite that flaw. ZING! 5

Kampfar: Dew-Scented and their thrash is high on energy and choked with a fuckload of decent riffs but circa halfway through I’ve had enough of what they have to offer regardless. Surprisingly enough, these guys being German and all, cheese is not a part of their palette. Wow! Very recommended if you eat, breath, and shit thrash. 6

The Duff: Is this IG’s favourite band? Not bad – some grand riffs; where fellow Swedodeath/thrash bands have either folded (The Crown, although now re-formed) or succumbed to mainstream demand (The Haunted), Dew-Scented are mixing certain accessible elements to an otherwise steady, heavy, fast-paced thrashfest that should keep admiration for these German metallers flying high for their pretty much unwavering integrity. 7

Trauma: I learned from a wise man once that Dew-Scented write the same album every time, which slightly different results. He was insanely correct. This is quality music, but it sounds exactly like all the other albums. Very little variety to my ears. 6

CadenZ: Cool thrash with a sucky vocalist. Some nice Slayer pounding, fast double kicks and passionate riffs lift these Teutons an inch above average. 6

JD Provorse (guest): I never bothered to check out this band before today. Second-worst name in metal, right after Green Carnation. Pretty damned decent German thrash, though. Bang your head until your neck snaps, perhaps while driving at high speeds. 7

Nevermore: The obsidian conspiracy

6/10

Lord K: I still miss Sanctuary. 6

Kampfar: Jeff Loomis and his crew are a talented lot, we all know that, but this time around they don’t grab me by the balls. I don’t know if they did last time around either, senility rules supreme, but what I do know is that I love “Enemies of reality” really rather dearly. Perhaps even more spins will change my mind regarding this thing named “The obsidian conspiracy”? 6

The Duff: The band’s second worst album, I don’t consider this as bad as “Dead Heart in a Dead World” because they haven’t entirely abandoned the thrash attack of earliest efforts as well as their last two, but the ballad-heavy material towards the end of the disc plus, in my mind, atrocious single “Emptiness Unobstructed” makes “The Obsidian Conspiracy” horribly lop-sided – the first four tracks are fucking excellent beyond belief, but the dip comes sudden and very disappointingly, the heavier riffs towards the end of the disc (minus the return-to-grace title track) not seeming enough to resolve my issues as they appear second-rate from such a talented band. 7

Trauma: I once pondered on a forum why people thought Warrel Dane’s vocals were so irritating, because the little I heard didn’t sound nearly as bad to warrant the complaints. Well, I got a full album’s worth of his vocals, and I can now see why they are so irritating. 6

CadenZ: Nevermore keep to their tradition with their mish-mash of thrash, power and prog. It’s good, but nothing mind-blowing (except for some of Loomis’…thingies). Dane’s vocals sound much better when he’s not trying to be too melodic, so why don’tcha better yourself for the next record, Warrel-san? 7

JD Provorse (guest): Warrell Dane’s voice was always a “take it or leave it” kind of experience, and on this album, it’s more “leave it” than “take it”. It would be nice if they tried something musically that they didn’t already do back in 1996, too. Still, not total shit. 4

Pain Of Salvation: Road salt one

5.7/10

Lord K: Stellar musicians, sure, but this is just too pretentious even for me, and I listen to the queen of pretentiousness, Blümchen, sometimes. 4

Kampfar: If your girlfriend just left you and your last visit to the doctor revealed a malignant tumor the size of Jupiter residing in your stomach, in addition to A.I.D.S. and Ebola everywhere else, be sure to give this heartbroken bullshit a go. Then shoot yourself. Oh well, what we are dealing with here is progressive nothingness choked full of pretto and a vibe of the 70’s. 1

The Duff: I know PoS have been getting a lot of bad press lately with their inability to adhere to the principles that made them the darlings of prog metal (or however many sub-genres that would be infused into their ambitious masterpieces of yore), but despite never finding much of a connection with the band even with their earliest efforts which I consider haphazard at times amidst the genius, and surprisingly enjoying the shit out of “Be”, I’m finding this more a return to form than the maligned “Scarsick” – it seems Daniel and Co. wish to have a foot in both camps, pleasing old fans and venturing into recently explored whackier territories; once more, a mix of sub-genres and moods, outstanding musicianship and a very pleasing, coherent whole, this is definitely a grower for the King Crimson fan. 7

Trauma: I was completely not in the mood to listen to this album, but I’d think I would really dig it at some point, what with some of the more different songs like “Tell me you don’t know”. I thought that one was pretty damn good. Maybe I will investigate, maybe not. 5

CadenZ: Shit. I was completely taken off guard by “RSO”. Sounds like something from the 1970’s, the golden era of the genre this album also belongs to – prog rock. Oh, man. I did not see this one coming. Great passion and production. There’s nothing metal here, and who the fuck cares. This album is amazing and I fucken love it. 9

JD Provorse (guest): This is not metal. At all. Not even a little bit. It’s more of a mellow classic rock jam session, very live and loose feeling, with virtually no sign of high-gain guitars or aggressive vocals. That being said, it’s fucking amazing. Seriously. 8

Exodus: Exhibit B – The human condition

5.7/10

Lord K: Exodus is a band who’s better off writing 3-4 minute tracks of their sometimes brilliant riffage fests. I don’t see the point of having 6-7 minute tracks when you play this particular style. Production is ace, Gary Holt is a fucken master at The Riff and Exodus still pretty much piss on their colleagues. They just need to cut down the lengths of the tunes to make the impact far greater. Machine Head should do the same, by the way. 7

Kampfar: If thrash from the 80’s with a modern production sounds like a treat to you, you are in for a veritable feast here. Not quite my thing, but 60+ minutes of said music executed in a fine manner is damn sure value for your money if you happen to be a sorry soul stuck in the past. Value for your bandwidth, I meant. 6

The Duff: Thrash legends are still kicking ass, it would seem, although I’ve let this band slip from my attention since “Shovel Headed Killing Machine” – material is much the same, although I don’t understand why they go all Trivium on us for track “Downfall”; yes, breakfast for me is a concrete slab to the face every morning, but the by-now-settled-but-not-as-good-as-Lord Worm vocalist is not a gifted singer, let alone thrash gargler. Still, the venom is unrepentantly strong, and being a huge fan of Holt’s lead-work off of “Bonded By Blood”, I’m glad to say a lot of the shredding on “Exhibition B” makes my jaw hit the floor. 7

Trauma: Not “Tempo of the damned”. Not special. Except Rob Dukes sounds less bad. The rest of the band are up to par on playing and all, but interesting songs went out the window. 4

CadenZ: Exodus’ tenth full-length is exactly what you thought it would be. Well-done one-dimensional thrash metal. 6

JD Provorse (guest): Remember when Exodus came back from the dead with two solid albums in 2004 and 2005? What happened? The biggest problem with Exodus today is that they need an editor. These songs are all way too long, and that makes them way too boring. 4

Master: The human machine

4.7/10

Lord K: How unexpected to once again find out that Master fucken blow so much they even beat most of the NWOAPM (New Wave Of American Plague Metal) bands in the Suck Championships. 2

Kampfar: “Slaves to society” was a fine album, “The human machine” is not. 4

The Duff: I met Paul Speckmann about 5 years ago at a Visceral Bleeding concert – I think he was pissed off that I was just only eight years old and talking about death metal, saying things like “Sooooo, heard about these headliners Obituary then?”. Still, he agreed to an interview, and yet despite things going well I never bothered checking up on his band – turns out that Master are quite the influential outfit, just praised by none. “The Human Machine” is a great disc, something I can imagine Kampfar enjoying to no end, and the sign of a seasoned band knowing exactly what’s expected of them and exactly what they wish to deliver. Nothing wrong with that, although I can easily forego standard, exceptionally well written death metal for something with more depth; you have to question the longevity of such for casual fans and worth to those who worship the greats yet have yet to hear of Master. Entombed, death n’ roll with more of a straightforward approach is what I get with a gritty, surprisingly crystal-clear, dry production and death metal meets Lemmy vocals – I would picture newer-age bands such as Phazm playing this style of metal better for the new millennium; fine for what temporarily ails you, but nothing much cerebral. 7

Trauma: It started off so well. Then Paul Speckmann started singing. 6

CadenZ: Unpolished, sick and twisted. I’ve never liked Paul’s vocals all too much and the riffs bring absolutely nothing new to the table, but I still find myself digging this. The legend lives on. 6

JD Provorse (guest): This is possibly the best example I’ve ever heard of a vocalist blowing it for a band. Musically, this is ripping old-school death/thrash. Vocally, this is like someone shitting in your ears. 3

Godsmack: The oracle

4/10

Lord K: There’s an overload of fucken shitty half-metal bands in this edition. Lucky us. Godsmack never interested me and that fact still remains with “The oracle”. Neatly produced and executed, sure, but ultimately dull as shit. Still it’s better than Bullet For My Valentine As I Lay Dying In My Drowning Pool – even if that’s not saying anything. 4

Kampfar: Godsmack and their hard-rock is not for me, nor any of my imaginative friends, but surprisingly enough I don’t feel an urgent need to visit the US of A and behead them when listening to what they have on the menu. Don’t ask me why. 5

The Duff: I like the opening riff, the rest plummets and swoops to level fields every now and then; I’ve never disliked Godsmack, but I think they hit the scene at the wrong time and so are associated with a lot of piss-poor bands. Not something I shun, but the music is very average, heavily layered guitars that have little impact otherwise and vocals that are hit and miss; could do worse, and their is some enjoyable material here for sure. 5

Trauma: Hate me, whatever, but at least Sully is a true witch, or something. +3 points. The songs are okay, and I’d definitely use this to ease a certain couple females into metal. I actually listened through this album twice and didn’t turn it off, but I did skip two songs. 6

CadenZ: The album kicks off with one of the dullest riffs in mankind, and it doesn’t get much better after that. Tired fucken nu metal/rock. 3

JD Provorse (guest): Some bands can get away with releasing the same album over and over because it’s a good album. Godsmack is obviously not any of those bands. This almost makes me want that Drowning Pool record back. Almost. 1

Drowning Pool: Drowning pool

3.7/10

Lord K: I guess these fuckos label themselves “groove metal” or something along those lines. I also bet they sell quite a bunch of albums. I can guarantee you that I am not helping their sales though. Lump this bunch together with the rest of the useless bands in the world and in this edition. 3

Kampfar: I wish I had a pool big enough to drown all bands hooked on emo in. To fulfill my dream of drowning them all at once, I guess the pool would have to be the size of Texas or something. Better than As I Lay Dying and Bullet For My Valentine this, but we are still talking a pathetic band populated by a bunch of fucking crybabies. 3

The Duff: I don’t know what’s happening to my brain, but I honestly don’t hate this; I’ll never buy it, will never listen to it again, but if these are the guys who did “Bodies”, then I’m surprised to be enjoying this as background “fuel” music; riffs are mediocre, but the whole package is actually entertaining in no small part due to the vocals and groove-led rhythm section. 5

Trauma: This is definitely music for the U.S. charts. The riffs can be catchy, and if you deny that you’re just being an asshole for asshole’s sake. The songs have nothing that really saves them from mediocrity. It’s a shame, but then again… didn’t they make this really shitty song that was popular once? Beats the fuck outta me. 5

CadenZ: DP (porn references for the win!) remind me of Disturbed, though a bit more melodic and easy-listening. I actually don’t hate this, which is a strong effort for a band in this shit genre. 5

JD Provorse (guest): I think I would rather drown in a pool. 1

Engel: Threnody

3.5/10

Lord K: Modern metal 1-on-1. Drummer Mojjo is the highlight of this band and even though these guys are real cool fuckers I can’t help but thinking the debut was a lot better – not meaning this is awesome or anything. Just too 2010 for me. 4

Kampfar: Daniel “Mojjo” Moilanen should be fucking ashamed of himself, quitting The Project Hate to focus on this fucking bullcrap is namely beyond lame. I’m sure he is a great guy and all that blabla, and I sort of love him quite hard for what he did in Runemagick, but when listening to this melodic nothingness I sure feel like beating him to death with his own drumsticks. Fucking hell, Danny boy. 3

The Duff: Two wastes of space for this AA, and I think we are far and away better off than last month. 1

Trauma: The music is very good. I started digging this shit really well until the vocals went into full force. They are very tough to get used to, and you either do or don’t in the end. I didn’t. No thanks. 6

CadenZ: Some label this as “modern Gothenburg metal”. If techno influences and boy band singing is what constitutes modern, I’m happy I still have “Terminal Spirit Disease”, “The Jester Race” and “The Gallery”. 3

JD Provorse (guest): Sounds like a bad Swedish rip-off of a bad American rip-off of Swedish melodic metal. Probably because, as it turns out, that’s what it is. But it’s still Swedish at its core, so it’s got that going for it. 4

We Are The Fallen: Tear the world down

3/10

Lord K: Evanescence is back with a new moniker and a new whore singing? It’s fucken ridiculous how much they sound alike. That doesn’t mean I don’t like it, I do prefer the original though, let’s put it like that. There are alot of weak tunes on this here recording, but also a few decent-to-good tunes. Soulless radio rock, muthafuckers! 5

Kampfar: If you consider eyeliner and Evanescence to be the best shit this world ever came up with, you can’t go wrong with We Are The Fallen. Competent musicianship and an excellent production aside, this goth nonsense can go fuck itself. 3

The Duff: I despise female-fronted metal; closed-minded, I don’t think so, as the music is often overproduced to hide the blandness, the focus being, uh, the vocals. I refuse to be labeled sexist by a society that would bring back lynching for a pretty face; this is sugar-coated crap. 2

Trauma: I bet 5 dollars in Monopoly cash that Lord K likes some of this. I also bet 5 dollars monopoly money that he thinks this crappy singer is worse than Amy and brings the band down. I’ll either win or lose 5 dollars Monopoly money. 3

CadenZ: What?! Tori Amos joined Evanescence?! No, not quite, but not too far away either. This is pop, poorly disguised in a goth metal suit. This isn’t too shabby, but some good arrangements and a good vocalist aren’t enough to save WATF from mediocrity. 4

JD Provorse (guest): I miss the days when chicks weren’t allowed to front metal bands. Things were so much better then. Then again, this isn’t really a metal band anyway, so I guess that doesn’t apply. And I’m just a misogynist. Either way, this sucks. 1

Masterplan: Time to be king

3/10

Lord K: And now we are in for a real fucken treat. How is it possible to actually reach a level where you embarrass the world so much with your god-awful power metal you’re not dying in the process? “Time to be a king”? Oh yes, in the Gay Parade. 2

Kampfar: The masterplan has failed, time for masterplan B already. Fucking hell, masterplan Z, or Å if you like, would probably sound a lot better than this heavy metal bullshit only capable of royally pissing me off. Oh my, what a fucking badass I am. 2

The Duff: Okay, I’m either in love or euphoric because I managed to get my lips just over the edges of my bell-end earlier with the use of six pillows and my bed as support, but Masterplan are somewhat not ripping my scrotum in half through the pain of shitty music. I don’t like cheese unless it’s wedged deep within the crevices of my bell-end, but at times I cry myself to sleep to bands like Evergrey, so to call this utterly horrendous would be unfair. However, this Hammerfall/Symphony X style melancholic-drab-dribble-of-piss usually boasts stellar musicianship, and Masterplan aren’t there; little point for me to persevere, and I doubt many serious metal fans could find much enlightening on “Time To Be King” other than bandmembers’ past exploits. 4

Trauma: Hahahaha. Fuck no, thank you not. 3

CadenZ: Jørn Lande has one of the best voices in all of metal, and without him Masterplan are just another average and cheesy German power metal band. With the Norwegian raspthroat in the ranks they are still to be reckoned with. That is, in the power metal scene. In the real world, however, this cheezball falls short of the trash can but only just. 4

JD Provorse (guest): This is possibly the best example I’ve ever seen of a band blowing it for a vocalist. Vocally, this is powerful and aggressive Dio-worship. Musically, this is like someone shitting in your ears. 3

As I Lay Dying: The powerless rise

2.8/10

Lord K: Another one of all those disgusting NWOAPM bands. I can’t fucken stand this style. It’s not that it’s poorly performed (Pro-Tools and quantization is your friend) or anything, it’s just so lacking in identity, soul, passion and sincerity. It’s watered down, it’s supposed to be “hard” but fails at being just that, the “blasts” sound ridiculous and the tough-guy musical approach is sickening. And don’t forget the mandatory cheese and the hideous clean vocals. Go fuck yourselves and take your MTV dreams with you. Oh, and guys – Jesus likes the cock. You are in good company. 3

Kampfar: Straightforward and (over) emotional shit music with mass appeal but not a single riff worth dying for is what we are dealing with here. Put even shorter, metalcore performed by Christians is a horrendous affair. Guys, please suicide and join your savior already. 2

The Duff: I enjoy some of this, I think the score is more my registered surprise if anything – really, some of the riffs are fucking good. 6

Trauma: They have a couple of neat riffs every now and then but the actual songs suck humongous piles of peanut and corn-laden feces. 3

CadenZ: I think the band name and album title say it all. I would prefer lay dying than listening to this powerless piece of shit one more time. Die, you fucks. 1

JD Provorse (guest): Powerless is a great word to describe this stuff. I think I’ll rise and take a dump while this finishes. 2

Bullet For My Valentine: Fever

2/10

Lord K: Obviously this band is kinda huge. Everyone at Hot Topic loves this shit and the teenage chicks (only cunts can stomach this) leave wet marks on the floor as they walk by the t-shirt stands when they see their moniker. I say fuck’em. 2

Kampfar: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, white “men” are currently the biggest pussies this world has to offer. No balls, no spine, no fucking hope. Fuck it all, Bullet For My Valentine and their gaycore very much included. 2

The Duff: Where As I Lay Dying surprise, Bullet for My Valentine befit their reputation despite qualified musicians. 3

Trauma: Give me a bullet to bite on, and I’ll make believe, make believe I never heard this shitty album. 2

CadenZ: Auto-tuner up my ass, and a bullet the size of a whale cock up yours, you Welsh shitheads. This sucks beyond belief. 1

JD Provorse (guest): The first vocals to appear on the album are whispers. Not a good sign. Also, playing 16th notes won’t hide the fact that your riffs are Nickelback knock-offs. This is metal for “Twilight” fans. 2